1:39 p.m. - 2005-08-27
Dicklandia
Nagasaki's....
It feels so strange yet good to be back home. I really was beginning to miss Australia when i was in Europe. Mainly the way of life. Everyone says G'day to you, meat pies are a plenty and utes as far as the eye can see.
But unfortunately..in my anxiousness to get home to my beautiful land, I forgot about the abundance of dickheads we have here. I was under the impression that dickheads mainly populalated America and some parts of Europe (france).
Boy was i wrong.
My Dickheadometer has been on high alert since i have got back and now I can't even leave my house without setting it off. Everywhere i go i see blokes with wife beater shirts on, enlarged foreheads and a vocabulary the size of Basil Zempilas's fan club. (one, his mother)
What has happened to the Aussie male since i have been away?
Have we slipped further down the evolutionary chain in the short time I have been gone?
I have met at least 5 guys this week who I have wanted to beat to a merciless pulp just for being munticated.
The guy at the service station who wanted to finish reading the last four pages of his book before serving me, the trolley pusher who kindly shaved off 3 cm of my ankle with his incredible trolley pushing abilities and finally the anal wart who cut me off in traffic and then proceeded to abuse me. (just because im driving my girlfriends Volvo)
Why?..why?....am I the one who attracts all the dickheads.
I try very hard to keep to myself, go about my life. I don't wan't to bother anyone. All I ask for is a dickhead free environment. Allow me to walk, drive, shop in peace without being coated with the dripping stench of aussie dickhead males.
As a man of science, I have fallen across a large void, that technology has failed to fill. I think i have identified a need here.
Imagine this.......Its the year 2025, all humans are tagged and chipped at birth. We are all monitored by a kickass sattelite that records our whereabouts and our actions at all times. At the age of 15 (the age when signs of dickheadedness are first seen) all humans are summonsed and tested.
A standardised evaluation system designed by me, that will revolutionise the world.
Known as 'GPDHMS' or Global Positioning Dickhead Monitoring System, the simple test will allow dickeads or potential dickheads to be identified early and monitored.
All potential dickheads will be taken from their family home to a NTC (Normalisation Training Camp) where they will be counselled and beaten severly until they no longer have the urge be the stupidiest fuckers on earth. They will then be branded with large black letters DH on their foreheads and reintegrated back into the community. The GPDHMS will monitor them for the rest of their lives. Any act of Didkheadedness performed by a reformed dick will be instantly picked up by the system and the said dickhead will be vaporised on the spot by a laser that will pinpoint them anywhere in the world.
Photo by J Szabo/BFC Productions
All fully blown dickheads that are beyond repair, will be shipped to a new super dickhead colony in finland (which will be remamed 'Dicklandia')
Voila....Problem solved by the use of technology we already have. But like everything new, I'm sure there will be some backlash. Dickheads may rise up in revolution against the new system, but we must stand strong people.
Testing will bgin late this year and GPDHMS BETA 2.1 will be online. I ask all people to who know dickheads to list their name and contact numbers and email it to me. Dickheads can feel free to turn themselves in also (as they are probably fucking retarded enough to do so)
A catalogued list of names will be shown at GPDHMS.com.au and will be regularly updated until shipping and Normailisation training camps begin early next year.
"Lets all moved towards a dickhead free world...except for Dicklandia which will be full of them"
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